TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical growth-slash-luxury housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're talking Damascus, town Traditionally known for historical society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be incredible. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed with the Placing inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A number of the ideal. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally outside of place. Designed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable drinking water. But Certainly, guaranteed, let's have another place wherever American Gentlemen can dress in robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although prior negotiations unsuccessful under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: provide Every person a suite on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is Trump Tower Damascus often delicate electric power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats and more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each and every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It really is that he should really halt applying it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regards to the project, replied, "You are aware of, guy, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Superior persons. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit on the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the hotel's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head noticeable from Area, a attribute staying promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents plus the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits immediately after obtaining the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not merely ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Confusing Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest aspect of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where friends may contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, total with local weather Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Nearby Syrians are unsure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing System: "When you Bomb It, They're going to Come"


The advertisement marketing campaign, lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Forever."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "where's the nearest elevator into the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is already attracting focus from Global buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll invest in 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial amount may even involve:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to hold out to determine a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort exactly where my PTSD may have change-down service."


Another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to develop a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Feelings within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave everything 3. You are welcome."

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